Back in quarantine, I felt worse than I ever had about my body. I was home every day, sitting around and feeling so uncomfortable in my skin that I just couldn’t take it.
I tried many different things to change how I felt about myself. First, I would go to the gym and work out when I really didn’t want to and would do at home workouts that made me miserable. I would go and run to the scale and as soon as I didn’t see results, I would get so frustrated.
I would tell myself that I looked terrible and would beat myself up so much that I didn’t even want to look in the mirror. I would grasp for the next solution, hoping it would make me feel better about myself.
Next, I bought detox tea. I bought a month's worth of tea and lost a few pounds but it still wasn’t enough.
I got even more frustrated and beat myself up even more and my insecurities became louder than ever inside and out. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I was pulling myself down a hole of self-hate.
Finally, one day I sat down and realized I was so sick of feeling so awful about myself. So you know what I did? I pulled out my phone and looked at myself in the camera and I apologized to myself.
I told myself I was so sorry for the way I thought, talked, and treated myself for all those months and even years! I realized I had been thinking horrible thoughts about myself for years and this is why I felt so terrible about myself.
It had been a build-up for years and I hadn’t even realized it until I apologized to myself. I broke down crying. I asked myself how I could say and think such awful things about myself when I couldn’t imagine ever saying those things or thinking those thoughts towards someone else.
I just cried and released the pain that has been bottled up for years and really recognized that I had done some serious damage but I wanted to make it right.
I knew that a part of me was inside hiding behind all of the hurt and pain and she wanted to come out and shine and I knew I had to allow her to come out.
I released myself from the past and chose to forgive myself. I looked at myself in the camera again and said “I forgive you” to myself and I haven’t been the same person since.
I’ve spent more time focusing on really getting to know myself and doing this opened my eyes to all of these things that I recognized, accepted, and began to love about myself.
When someone tells me something I’m good at, I don’t just brush it off like I used to. I sit down and find other examples of me doing that thing they said I was good at and recognize the other positive feedback I’ve gotten from being that way.
When someone tells me something I should work on or improve on, I don’t just brush it off. I look at it and ask myself if it’s true. If it is that I think about how I could do/be better in the future.
It has been very difficult at times because it is work. Self-love isn’t easy and it is something I have committed to working on every day because I know that I deserve it.
I feel worthy of love towards myself and from others and it is a powerful thing. I wish I had taken time to sit with myself a lot sooner because there were many years of feeling insecure 24/7 and it is a crippling feeling that isn’t unfamiliar to many.
I share my story because I want you to know that you are not alone. Mind drama and insecurities are hard to fight through alone, but I would advise you to share it with others instead of holding it inside.
I’ve mentioned before that often times people see things in you that you can’t see in yourself. One day you may have a conversation with someone that triggers a thought that makes you realize you don’t want to constantly feel bad about yourself anymore and that you want to take action and change how you think and feel.
I’m always here if you want to share your struggles and confide in someone. This is also a huge topic in my program so if you want to connect on a deeper level when it comes to this, then join the Glow-getters Program. I’m here to support your journey of self-love and confidence always.
The application link is in my bio and on the services page.